Goodbye, my little bean...

We were so happy to hear the good news that we're finally expecting. After 4 different home pregnancy tests, it was confirmed - yes we're PREGNANT! As this was our first known pregnancy, we didn't have second thoughts to tell friends about it (I might have had a chemical pregnancy a month before, according to my OB nurse). We figured, God let this happen, so this must stick and we'll carry to full term. Unfortunately, a few days later, the inevitable happened.

I was still keeping track of my temperatures and all fertility signs in my chart. I noticed a slight drop in my temperature on Monday. This can't be good. So I went to the doctor's and got a blood test done. True enough, my HCG levels (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - pregnancy hormone) were dropping to a very low value, although it still read pregnant. I was so stressed the whole time with another thing, and that made me so emotional and angry and sad - and cramping a little bit. I'm thinking, why does this problem have to happen today of all days? Why must this situation bring itself up at this time of all times? I'm newly pregnant and I don't want extra stress in my life right now.

But thing is, I can't really control the situation. All I could do was weep. And maybe that raised stress levels in my body as well. The next day, all I could remember was crying for the whole morning (still not related to my pregnancy) but by midday, I passed out a tissue. Then I bled - ever so lightly. I immediately caled the doctor's office. The nurse said I probably am miscarrying. Every now and then, when I go pee, bright red blood would come out (Too Much Information!), sometimes there's none, sometimes there's tissue passing out (you can tell it's tissue as opposed to a blood clot because it's dull and not shiny like the latter), sometimes it's heavy, and sometimes it's light. The bleeding was intermittent. By the end of the night, I have noticed that my pregnancy symptoms were slowly diminishing. I no longer have tender, heavy breasts. It pretty much returned to its normal state.

I lost my appetite (probably lost 5-8 pounds). I still bled the following day for half a day, but yesterday I only spotted. Bondi was so supportive and I'm glad he's there by my side. My friends were also supportive. They would call and pray for me. They have been like my family here since mine is still back home. I'm glad to have a second family here that really cares. I slowly accepted the situation and found comfort in the Lord. He is the giver of life. And He has a purpose in everything. There could be problems in my pregnancy that would lead to complications in the future. Or there could have been problems in the crossing over between homologous chromosomes (DNA) and my body detected it, my immune response was to reject the pregnancy - naturally. Whatever it is, I was already prepared.

Yesterday, I had another beta-HCG blood test. My OB called me today and told me it returned back to zero. That was the closure. I had a miscarriage. But it was good that it returned to zero. It cleaned up by itself and therefore I wouldn't need a D&C. Doctor told me to rest for a month of trying to conceive and let my body heal. Hopefully, my next pregnancy would be uneventful. I would steer clear of my stressors and will try to think good things. I know the Lord will provide us with little ones to complete our family. As to when, only He knows.

In the meantime, I will continue to sing praises to the Lord. Bondi and I willl be helping out with the worship team in CPC this Sunday. This would be our first time to take part in leading worship in CPC since we moved there. We are looking forward to it.